Editor's Note: There's really no excuse for what you're about to read and the tracks you're about to endure. But if you can't laugh at the fact that the Jonas Brothers are currently all up on Radio Free Chicago, alongside Timber Timbre and Cursive, then... Well... Personally, I laugh to keep from crying. This is what happens when I say "Of course you can make a mix for RFC, Heidi!" Brace yourselves.
Okay, so being the roommate of the infamous Amber Valentine, there is never a dull moment, be it deciding to run out in the pouring rain to dance to tribal music, or eating Taco Bell in bed on a Sunday night. Ms. Valentine is a fiery, foxy mama. I mean, you all already knew that, didn’t you? So normally, we have crazy, cool, and not necessarily collected, but bona fide awesome Amber. But there is nothing more awful than an Amber scorned. When you cross Amber Valentine, you cross her clan of fabulous misfits.
I mean, look at her – sure, she talks about music maybe a little more than most people can keep up with, but she is also the kindest girl out there. When you need something from Amber Valentine, she gives her all to the cause, even if it’s just feeding the cats or going to the bank. So when someone drops the ball on her the one time she asks for anything back due to his own martyrdom, I get angry. Not like hulk angry, because I can’t afford to bust out of my nice dress shirts, but pretty angry nonetheless.
I made this mix, the first of its kind, to accompany Amber while she deals with incredibly stupid boys… Well, an incredibly stupid boy, in particular. I will briefly preface it with the following statement: I am not an indie music genius. I am just an average girl with average tastes who listens to a lot of crap and a little bit of awesome stuff. I tried to siphon off a little of the crap for your benefit.
I hope you enjoy:
I’m Super, Thanks for Asking. Now, Stop Wasting My Time.
The Radio Free Chicago Mix You Thought Would Never Happen
Because Amber is always the last to know when she falls in love, and she’s way hotter than Meg from Hercules. Where are Amber’s backup singers?
So this whole album was a fit of giggles over at our house, until we realized how much we all related to these songs.
“I’m done with texting, ‘Sorry for the miscommunication,’” because only the Jonas Brothers and Miley would sing about texting, and I was explicitly told, “No Miley.”
She is the King of lady music journalists, the Princess of dancing in her underwear, and most situationally appropriately, the Queen of Apology.
“You were my thrills, you were my pills; you dropped a bomb on me. You turned me out, you turned me on; you turned me loose, then you turned me wrong.” Sing it, Gap Band!
Because contrary to popular belief, even Amber Valentine is “vincible”. The girl cries 24-karat bulletproof tears.
“When the end is near, let’s just be frank,” because even I have to choose a good song once in a while.
“Some things are better to leave unexplored. Did you agree we just let it be? Did you agree it’s a must, let’s call the whole thing off.”
“I know that you went straight to someone else, while I worked through all this shit here by myself.” I don’t know if the former is true, but the latter sure is, and I can’t change Ben Folds’ lyrics for my own benefit.
“Guess mine is not the first heart broken, my eyes are not the first to cry; I’m not the first to know there’s just no getting over you.” There is a Grease song for everything!
Because I can’t honestly believe that anyone would ever friend-zone Tommy Siegel. What a convincing author of fiction!
Because there’s nothing cuter than a Meg Webb singing about your life and playing her uke, except maybe if she was dressed as a unicorn!
Because who thinks they’re better off alone BEFORE asking a girl out? Tsk tsk, retard.
Because as a professional walrus, I can’t help myself but love a good song about a bucket.
“I want to crawl back inside my mother’s womb.” Who doesn’t?!
“Boys in swooping haircuts, you know who you are,” because this boy is almost as self centered as Nate Ruess, only I can imagine his pants aren’t even kind of as stupid as Nate’s. Who are you, an overgrown Huckleberry Finn?
“Could’ve loved you all my life if you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold. And you got your share of secrets, and I’m tired of being the last to know.”
“Don’t worry about it, honey, I never needed anybody.”
“Oh god, my life is Back to Black! D:” – Amber Valentine
“Don’t be so damn benign, and don’t waste my FUCKING TIME.”
Because when I’m feeling down, I turn to the Build-A-Bear Workshop Dance and Big Gay Al to set me straight. HAHA wordplay! Did u c wat i did there?