Dave's Christmas Gift Guide

With the Christmas season in full swing you might be wondering what to buy for that annoying music geek in your life that already has every record he or she could ever want. The key in successfully gifting this special class of human is, first of all, to stop trying to think of music you can buy them. They already own it or they're in the shop right now buying it. Luckily there are plenty of other things you can get them, since they spend all their money on records and generally don't have much left to spend on anything else. Although even a hot meal would probably be well-received, here are some slightly less perishable goods for you to consider instead.

1. The Crosley AV Room Portable USB Turntable

This is one USB turntable that is truly a beauty to behold. Finally someone understands that just because a product is USB-enabled, it doesn't need to look like a hard drive or a laptop. Crosley specializes in retro-styled electronics that no indie kid could resist coveting. If your giftee doesn't need a new turntable, Crosley's CD players, jukeboxes and telephones are all equally stunning and guaranteed to win you their lifetime affection.

2. Vinyl Record Bowl

Everyone eats. I start every day with a bowl of Frosted Wheats that I eat out of whatever plain, old shabby container I can find in the cupboard at work. Imagine how much more awesome my articles for Radio Free Chicago would be if I ate breakfast out of a rounded copy of "ABBA Gold"!

3.  Record Label Coasters

Everyone drinks. I start every day with a swig of scotch that I generally just drink right out of the goddamn bottle. If I had classy coasters like these, I might consider upgrading to a proper glass.

4. Pocket Stylophone (pictured at top)

In terms of its cost-to-coolness ratio, this is the clear winner of the list. Twenty bucks gets you a classic synthesizer that you can carry around town with you. Most famous for its starring role in Kraftwerk's "Pocket Calculator", this bad boy planted in your hand tells the world that you are a refined electrophile. Step aside, iPhone imitators, for the original stylus soundmaker is back!

5. Ticket Albums

When I began planning my move from Chicago to London, I quickly realized how much stuff I'd accumulated over the years. Shipping your personal belongings overseas is expensive, so I chucked most of it directly in the bin. Sadly I was rather indiscriminate with this purge, so all the ticket stubs from gigs gone by were sent to the landfill like common trash. If only I had one of these nifty little ticket albums back then, I could have organized it all into a coffee table conversation piece about how ancient I am (yeah, I saw The Jesus and Mary Chain before you were born, wanna make something of it, punk?). Sure, your friend could just make a scrapbook instead, but music nerds are lazy and they'll never get round to it. In fact, don't even bother getting this for them unless you intend to put all their tickets in it for them yourself, cos otherwise it'll sit empty for years atop their pile of yellowing memorabilia.

6. USB Cassette Archiver

Although my trans-Atlantic move necessitated throwing out my ticket stubs, I couldn't part with my cassette collection. From old school rave mixes to Shrimper tapes, much of it contained music unavailable anywhere else except on these clunky plastic hissers from the analog era. I don't even own a cassette deck anymore, yet I keep two boxes of these under my bed in my flat that's the size of a small shoebox. Save your friend the embarrassment of lugging their cassettes to the old folks home in a few decades and buy them this now. With their treasured tapes digitized, they'll be able to rediscover what is quite likely the most neglected portion of their music collection.

7. Bicycle iPod Speaker

Perhaps more suited for Critical Mass rides than a cycle to the post office, this little device mounts directly on your bike frame and allows you to turn your humble two-wheeler into a mobile sound system. I highly encourage Lampo fans to purchase this, as the world desperately needs more Ryoji Ikeda wafting into it.

8. Tengu

Tengu is the wee rectangular Japanese mate that your friend never knew they needed. While he doesn't make sound, he does respond to it. Plug him into your nearest USB port, slap on some tunes and watch him sing along. There's no need to be embarrased if you unbox him to let him have a go at "Bohemian Rhapsody" yourself before you gift him on.

9. Electronic Drum Kit T-Shirt

Never underestimate the ability to lay down a dope beat. It can turn a dreary commute to the office into a slightly more rhythmic, dreary commute to the office. If your beatboxing skills are madder than mine, you could just make the music with your mouth, but if not you can now wear a drum machine thanks to this shirt from ThinkGeek.com. Although it appears to be a simple t-shirt with an image of a drum kit on the front, that picture is actually playable when you touch it. At the very least it provides a use for all those AAA batteries you stockpiled when you thought your SkyPager was the future of human communication.

10. FM3 Buddha Machine 2.0

Beijing's FM3 elated electronic music fans in 2005 with the FM3 Buddha Machine, a tiny little plastic soundbox containing 9 ambient loops which it could play from its built-in speaker as it ran on two AA batteries. It was a massive success and FM3 have followed it up this year with Version 2.0, which features 9 new loops and adds pitch bend. Legend holds that Brian Eno bought eight of the original, so surely you can get your friend just one. Version 1.0 is still available as well, so if you're feeling extra generous, get them one of each.

Special thanks to Rin Burch for her brilliant assistance in researching this article.

Comments

[Bicycle Trailers]

Well now, I was searching for blogs on fitness or health when i came across this post. Although not exactly what I was expecting I will give it ****.

[Dave Knapik]

Thanks for link to your service, Craig, as well as for the full disclosure, of course. It looks like you offer a fair price and when one considers how valuable time is (and what a pain digitizing can be), it's definitely a worthwhile option to consider. Rather than receiving a USB cassette deck under the tree, it would indeed be fab to get a CD booklet of all my old mixtapes. Cheers!

[Craig Meyer]

If you're going to list hardware for digitizing cassettes and records at home, then the outside audio digitization services like http://www.ReclaimMedia.com deserve mention too.

You place an order online, mail your cassettes and/or records to them, and they take care of it.

[Disclosure: Yes, I work for Reclaim Media myself.]

There are many reasons why using a service not only gives a better-quality transfer than trying it at home, but is actually CHEAPER as well if you consider your free time to be worth at least minimum wage.

Here's an article I wrote "Why Not Digitize My Cassettes and Records At Home?" that's specifically about this.

http://reclaimmedia.com/article_at_home.html

Give it a look and decide whether its arguments apply to you.

[Dave Knapik]

That is indeed a bummer, Jeff, because it's one sweet looking turntable! Thanks for the detailed information on the cartridge. I still think it's great as a secondary turntable, and for the music geek that's not an audiophile, the cartridge may not matter so much.

[Jeff from Knowzy]

Re: Crosley USB Turntable

Crosley does make stunning, retro-style turntables and jukeboxes.

However, their USB turntable has one major flaw: It uses a ceramic cartridge- which is guaranteed to muffle the sound and wear down your records quicker.

It's clearly a style over substance proposition in my book.

Jeff