The Best Songs Ever (Part 1).

Editor's Note: Mark Patten is the amazing spitfire behind Meat27, one of Amber's very favorite blogs. Plus, he's the coolest British expat in California and goddamn, the man sure can rant.

I'm always a bit disappointed when publications and websites put together their lists of great, or possibly the greatest, songs. Whether it's in a specific genre or OF ALL TIME they seem to focus on material that is more well-known than popular. For example, John Lennon's "Imagine" gets thrown around a lot as one of the best songs ever written. Why though? Because of what it stands for and the impact it had at the time? As impressive as that may be, I can't think of any actual people who would list that as one of their favourite songs. I know nobody who would randomly put it on over and over again because it's just incredible to them. Can you party to it? Fuck to it? Stalk to it? See, it misses all the key life moments!

Isn't that what we should be looking for? Those special few songs that, for one reason or another, manage to mean a lot to a lot of people? Well, I am here to shine a light on those songs. The ones that, as far as I can tell, are universally loved and appreciated by pretty much everyone who has heard them. I'm sure there will be a few people who disagree with my selections but they're probably just trying to be cool by not liking something overwhelmingly likable. Fuck those people. Leave them with their impenetrable French new waves movies and fair trade chocolate that tastes like wax. You and me and everyone else smart enough to enjoy things that are just GOOD can gather together and just celebrate these songs. We all love them. Why? Who cares?! We just love them. That's enough. So here is the first part of my probably-not-very-long series of The Best Songs That Everyone Who's Anyone Loves. My first choice?

A song presumably written for middle aged women and released with a movie aimed at adolescent boys and girls? Surely that couldn't work? WRONG. You couldn't be more wrong if you were buying alcohol for the teenage step-sibling you plan on boozing up and deflowering. The mid 90s were a tacky, terrible time for those in search of songs to sing while wearing an open shirt in front of a fan. Then, in amidst the darkness of Batman Forever's advertising campaign came a buff black man whose silky masculine voice could turn any Boy Wonder into a Man Wonder-in' about making out with a silky voiced dude in front of a spotlight.

There's just something wonderful about a power ballad done right. It should remind you that, as histrionic and ridiculous as the song may seem, it sounds EXACTLY like the music that played in your head when you last saw the person who is currently capable of turning on both your brain and your junk. We're just programmed to lap up sweeping strings, dramatic drums and husky harmonies. Sure there might be some people who don't appreciate those things, just as some people find horses attractive, collect their fingernail clippings in boxes or think that Grey's Anatomy was actually pretty good this last season. It's best not to concern yourself with the opinions of these people though. Just stroke their hair, back away and make sure the children never accidentally wander onto their ward.

"Kiss From a Rose" approaches lyrics like a fat kid at a Pic N Mix. So much good stuff and so little time? Just mash it all together and hope it tastes delightful. Seal's syrupy delivery helps make that non-sensical medicine so down. He could be reciting a Thai restaurant menu and my heart would still close its eyes, nod slowly and bite its bottom lip. The fact that the song is connected to Batman somehow is enough to have most male brains damp at the mere thought of it. As for the ladies? They don't stand a chance against any song that mentions roses. Is the girl the rose? Is she the tower? Maybe the light? WHO CARES?! SWOOOON.

People who don't like this song are those who wish they lived in low-budget gritty movies by first-time directors. They get fucked lying on their back, head turned, looking coldly into the middle distance. They automatically despise people who look like them because, ugh, they are obviously just discovering a trend that the protagonist made their own many, many months ago. They NEED caffeine to get through the day at their actually-quite-rewarding job. Fuck. Them. These people have chosen the illusion of passion over passion itself because holy shit, nothing is more passionate a man singing about light. On a rose. On the gray. I got shivers just writing that! Yes, "shivers" is the cute name I give my jizzed pants.

I've decided, in an attempt to add a little simplicity to these articles, that I will conclude by determining what animal this song would be if it were an animal. It's not something I'm likely to ever be proved wrong or right on, what with songs turning into animals isn't an attainable occurrence (don't make a monkey out of me now, genies! Also, don't turn me into an actual monkey!) but it's a nice way of dismissing everything I'd written previously for the people who really don't have time for my blabbering bullshit. SO. If Kiss From A Rose by Seal was an animal it would be...a black panther with long, beautiful hair. I'm sure some of you were expecting me to say it would be an actual seal, in reference to not-actually-a-seal Seal but no, that beast just can't convey the sexiness carried by this song. The animal doesn't adequately represent Seal himself either. As I understand it, the only similarity between the two is the ability to hold their breath for long periods under the surface. No wonder the ladies love him so much! BAH DUM TSS.