The Best Songs Ever (Part Two): Meat27's Mark Patten on Journey's "Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'"

A few weeks ago I began a reoccurring segment called The Best Songs Ever. I feel it's about time to unleash my next choice on you all but first I think I should warn you that this next song is not suitable for those with delicate sensibilities. It's all about bumping the ugliest of uglies, sinking the pinkiest of pinks and beating the meatiest of meats. I feel these descriptions alone will have ruined the surprise - I mean, what other song could I possibly be talking about?! - so without further ado I present my second selection. If this isn't what you would consider to be one of The Best Songs Ever then I fear you're in for wrecking if you don't get a-checking. That's something the cool kids say nowadays, right? Right! Onwards!

Prepare your head for a big fat portion of audio double penetration that is likely to leave your brain walking like a withered cowboy for the next few months.

For starters, it's incredibly rare that a song with such a boner-inspiring beat can deliver lyrics like "You make me weep and wanna die" without draining all of that liquid passion out of your joy department and back into your misery organ (the pain-creas?) but Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' decides from the very start that it's going to have its wicked way with you whether you want it to or not. That's not to say that the song is like some kind of audio sexual assault. The song knows you have something to get out of your system and it's going to make it happen no matter how messy things become, so it's less of a rapist and more an intervention therapist in that respect. Either way, stop crying and DEAL WITH IT, PUSSY.

This track came out in 1979 so there's a good chance that at least one of your parents could hear this song at some point during a fingering. I'm sure that must have changed something deep inside of them which, subsequently, became a part of who you are and how you think/feel. This would certainly explain why hearing the sound of Steve Perry's voice makes your underwear damper than a slutty dolphin's diaphragm. It's impressive considering what he looked like back then...

Kinda like Debra Morgan?

So what you're dealing with here is a sad song that somehow also ~~wants~~ NEEDS to have sex with you. This could turn out to be awkward (like a crying hooker) but it actually turns out to everything you've ever wanted (also like a crying hooker, if you're into that kind of thing*). Our protagonist is alone, thinking about his ex getting frisky with some new person. IT'S TORTURE. But then the protagonist now imagines the ex also being tortured by their frisky new person getting frisky with a newer new person. Holy shit, the suffering in this song is like a sexy onion! This is like the Inception of revenge-based masturbation music. Sure, the song doesn't specifically talk about rubbing one out but hey, what better reason is there to make to yourself than the news that the person who fucked you over is in the process of being fucked over?! No? No. I don't feel that way either, obviously.

What makes this song stand out is that you can connect to it no matter what your circumstance. Whether you were dumped, did the dumping, haven't even had a chance to be dumped OR do any dumping etc. there's bound to be at least oneperson out there who is loving, touching and squeezing somebody who isn't you and that's just downright annoying. You know the best cute to being annoyed? Na-na-na-na-na-nahing! Not only is it the cry of a successful prankster, it is the most optimistic way of expelling all the negative energy that lusting for someone you can't have produces inside of you. The whole second half of this song is dedicated to this cathartic cleansing, acting as the musical tissue paper to the dirty sex you were dreaming up for the first couple of minutes. Whether you were horny, angry, weepy or a confusing mixture of the three, the last two minutes of the track will sooth you and take you to a better place. A reassuring place. A place that only people who have just been listening to Journey can talk of. And I'm talking about actual Journey, not the stuff that's been mutilated through the 'Glee' machine. No matter what you're going through, this song will make you feel better. What more could you possibly ask for?

So, in keeping with my rating system from my last article in this theme, I am going to determine what animal this song would be if this song were an animal instead of a song. Well, it's been a tricky decision, but I'm going to have to go with...a tiger wearing amazing sunglasses. Dangerous yet seductive, powerful yet brisk, magnificent yet modest - this creature/song is a beauty to behold and its unwavering awesomeness will make it a symbol of turmoil in transition for many years to come. Plus it can definitely help you keep a rhythm if it's present during a lovemaking session. The song, that is. I don't think an actual panther in the bedroom would be much of a help. It would probably be more of a distraction, just sat there, scratching your curtains to shit and making eye contact with you at the most inappropriate times. Which begs the question - why were you looking at the panther at the most inappropriate times?! You make me sick.